Losing Compassion, Confident Callings, and the Frustration and Exhaustion of Treading Water.

Have you ever had the thought that you've forgotten how to be compassionate? Forgotten how to love? Forgotten how to live?

I remember a conversation with a college friend my last year of college. It was somehow related to a historical movie based on a book she had read. The conversation moved to books, reading, the art of learning and her experience as a new teacher.

To even my disappointment, I made a comment saying I thought I'd lost the heart to read. I just didn't want to anymore.
Anyone who knew me growing up would believe this to be a shock. My mom or grandma would take us to the library weekly and I'd check out my limit on books. I was a fast reader and always reading something. I could somehow block out the busyness, the noise, the demands of life and be transported into action, adventure, bonds of friendship, quests for the meaning of life and so much more.

What has happened?
What has happened to my love of books, of learning, of being still and taking a delight in the things around me? What has happened to my unwavering  confidence and connection to life, to people?
Before, I would stop and speak to strangers on the street. I would put off demands and deadlines for art or reading or conversation. Before, I laughed more, imagined more, celebrated more. And had compassion more.

I'm not sure what happened.
I became caught up in reality. In my perceived reality. What is right in front of me. I've become trained to be practical. I got caught up in visions of my deepest yet-to-be fulfilled dreams- not in the passion of the dreams themselves; but of the miniscule details of how to get there.

And possibly, therein lies the issue.
I've distracted myself. From compassion. From being with passion. I'm exhausted from the journey.
The very name of compassion itself is bonded with a motivated heart for something-usually people.

At this point, The Wizard of OZ comes to mind.
You see, Dorothy never lost her compassion for people- even the most wickedest witch of the West.
But she had never really planned to go to OZ...or the other places she came upon while she was there.
However, while she was there, she intentionally had passion for the life she was in at the moment. She went down the yellow brick road- not ignoring everything along it's path to get to the end- but she took part in what happened along the path itself.

Now, I'm in NO way comparing Jesus Christ to Dorothy; however, I see a similar trait.
Jesus didn't always intentionally end up in the places he was confronted. In fact, a few times in Scripture it states he tried to remove himself from situations of crowds- but then he had compassion on them. I'm sure he was exhausted. I'm sure he valued his along time- yet something made him stop and change focus.
He took part of the situation he found himself in for the better.
He was with a passion for the people around him- for their underlying pain causing their actions. He saw them for who they were meant to be. He saw the good in them and brought that out. He purposed to restore their brokenness. (There is a reason why "Wholesome" and "Goodness" are seen together. Being whole is a good thing- and compassion brings that out in people)

Compassion is very different from Pity. Pity is a scoffing, disdaining, disapproving person. Compassion is an encouraging, uplifting, empathizing motivated being.Deep down, I want to be that person. I don't want to be the stressed out after-school program worker who speaks harshly to a child. I don't want to be the cynical, apathetic who removes myself from caring deeply for others. I don't want to be someone who so easily gives up on the firm knowledge of who and what I know I am called to do and be- yet I have.

A few weeks ago, I made a comment to some people close to me that I felt like I was treading water- not moving forward and not moving backwards. One of them responded with, "Well, at least you're not drowning." Which is NOT what I wanted to hear.

You see, I'm impatient. I dream big and want the end results NOW! I'm driven. When I see an opportunity, I go for it and MAKE it work. So treading water isn't for me. I want to grab the water by long strokes as I swim. But treading water has its value. Treading water makes you know your weakness- not your strengths. Treading water makes you start to observe what it around you; what you are immersed in. Treading water makes you still on the inside while you still push on with the outside.
 A few summers ago I learned the hard lesson of true surrender...and somehow, I've forgotten to apply it to this season of life.
One cannot have compassion without surrender.
Surrender of personal desires. The end result of dreams.

Joseph was the King of Dreams. There was a point he too wallowed in his circumstance. He knew the visions God had given him. He was borderline arrogant about them. He trusted God through his faked murder, being sold to slave merchants, being accused of rape, and more. But that dark point when he was locked in an presumably cold, dark, lonely, damp jail- that's when he started wallowing. Not because he'd lost sight of God, or lost the end in sight; but because he was too focused on the completion of his dreams.

Somewhere between that dark jail and his successful, thriving, abundant life that was an outpouring to all around him- even nations- there was a change.
A change that re-aligned Joseph with compassion.
Do you think Joseph could have helped save a whole nation if he didn't have compassion? It wasn't a power struggle. It was compassion and confidence enough in God to surrender his dreams.
Joseph was able to have compassion enough to share wisdom to save all those around him. Joseph was compassionate enough to extend grace and forgiveness to his traitorous brothers.
Only in an environment of grace, forgiveness, selflessness and compassion did Joseph finally see the dreams God gave him come to completion.

If you feel like you've lost compassion; turned apathetic, sarcastic, cynical, lost hope, whatever it may be- maybe it's not that you've lost these traits. Maybe you're in a difficult, new, trying season of life and don't know how to implement these traits in this season.
It's going to take desperation, confidence, and determination.
Discipline is a skill I'm still working on. Determination comes along with my stubbornness.

I don't think it's so much that I've lost the ability to have compassion, to extend forgiveness, to still love and let my heart be soft. I just haven't learned how to activate these qualities where I'm at right now.
I've been distracted from intentionally using them.
I've let myself be overwhelmed by confusion because of chaos. I've lost determination because of doubt. Not doubt in my dreams, or even God. But doubt of where I'm supposed to be. I've lost myself in the busyness of trying to make it all happen.

Dorothy, Joseph, and possibly even Jesus had doubt of circumstances they found themselves in. They too were most likely confused on what to do in an environment they never thought they'd find themselves in.
However, they didn't let it stop them from intentionally learning to be passionate about the lives around them. They held on to truth and let that aid them on their journey.
And they made it because of their unwavering confidence and compassion.
They surrendered trying to make it happen on their own. Dorothy had to still give up her desire to the Wizard in order to get home. Joseph had to surrender his deepest desire to God and choose to be his best at where he was. Jesus gave the ultimate surrender- a bloody sacrifice made out of compassion; not compulsion. 

Acknowledgement is a long ways from Action.

I'm not sure what tomorrow holds. I'm not sure what drama will unfold next week. However, I hope I can be more intentional about surrendering the end result and intentionally involving myself in what's going on around me in order to extend compassion, grace, forgiveness and an opportunity for others to grow and heal.

Please do the same for me.

 

Lessons learned from Pinnochio

The other day while spending some time in worship & praise, I had this unique reflective image from a TV show I watch. In one of the episdoes, a modern twist on the tale Pinnochio resulted in him as a man in the real world, his purpose to protect this  unbelieving girl who would later save this town of unsuspecting fairytale characters. He failed his mission because of his apathy in attempting to bring the girl, Emma, to the truth,  and he became paralyzed by becoming wooden again, helpless to help her from the evil queen, once her eyes were opened and she realized the stories she'd been hearing were true.
Out of this image, my heart was struck with the "fear" of becoming wooden, in failing my purpose to help others believer, resulting in "woodening" or hardening my soul, because of my flippant apathy. This paralyzes my work and disregards my purpose. I pray I DON'T become this way!! Never let me become so apathetic that I completely stop pursuing my purpose and God.

Love

I've been irritated for the longest time with the overused saying, "Love is a choice"-not that I disagree, it just seems overused and somehow "choice" doesn't seem to fit "Love". Yet, neither do I agree wholly love is a feeling. Rather, I've come to this paradigm, at this point in my life. I know God, and that He is the epitome of love. Just as I can never comprehend God, nor can i understand love. However, love is something you must put your faith in. It is something your life should be founded on, love. Love provides hope. Just as one can only fully live through Christ, one can only live with love. It is neither a feeling or a choice. It is simply incomprehensible, while holding all of these principles together. &, if truly believed in, should change yourself and those around you.